The past 8 months have been magical, painful, sad, fun, fast and bloody slow…

I’ve been wanting to write this for such a long time, well actually it’s not a long time. Sometimes it feels like a long time, sometimes the 8 months of Ted’s life feels like 8 years but then sometimes it also feels like 8 minutes. I feel guilty saying that, I know I’m expected to say “oh my goodness, I’m so happy, filled with joy, over the moon, it’s absolutely flown by” but the truth is some months just bloody dragged.

I want to explain why I closed Brooke Marie, why I lost all creative momentum, and also the will to get myself out of bed most days. Motherhood hasn’t come easy to me, I’ve felt trapped, alone, completely incompetent and the most overwhelming feeling of all is one of just utter worthlessness. It got a little dark for me, only Nick really knew the extent of it but it’s okay now folks! I’m on the happy tablets and feeling like I’ve seen the light and I know the Mum I want to be will come out the other end.

Expectation Vs Reality

I stupidly went into parenthood thinking it can’t be that hard. I’ll have this baby, I’ll sit quietly through labour, use no pain relief and be in the lovely birthing pool with candles and music and I’ll love this little bundle of pure happiness unconditionally from the moment he comes out. I’ll not sleep much but that will be fine, my mother’s instinct will kick in and my days will be busy but full with joy, love, laughter, sunshine, puppies and rainbows. When the baby sleeps I’ll work and still run my business, still paint, still have the same creative enthusiasm I had before. I’ll bake cookies and welcome home a husband in from work with a warm motherly glow, a happy baby on my hip and a tray of hot out the oven goodiesin my free hand….

Silly silly girl…

What I actually got was a very very quick induced labour hooked up to a machine, honking like a donkey and sucking on gas and air like some kind of throat strangled wild animal. Then all of a sudden there was excruciating pain followed by this screaming blonde baby that looked nothing like I thought he would. There was no natural Mother Earth instinct whatsoever, just a feeling of shock and overwhelming incompetence at this new responsibility. I didn’t know how to change a nappy, I didn’t know how to burp a baby, bath a baby, I didn’t know anything, I just thought the knowledge would fall into my head, that it was all there within the motherly instincts I assumed were bestowed upon giving birth. They were not! If I’m completely honest (Ted please forgive me if you ever read this.) but in those first few weeks I wanted to send him back, I wanted to undo what had just happened and have my old life back again. Maybe that’s where the bad feelings about myself started, how could I feel like this? I was supposed to adore him from day dot. I must be an awful mother. I couldn’t help my feelings and it terrified me. I felt like I didn’t deserve this amazing little boy, like I wasn’t worthy or capable of doing a good job in looking after him. I’ve beaten myself up for having felt these things long after the actual feelings themselves had passed. Part of feeling better at the moment is that I’m learning it was all perfectly normal to feel this way. It’s such a big life change, you’ve gone from doing what you want when you want, to doing nothing but feeding and changing this tiny little man. I was also absolutely convinced I’d accidentally hurt him and end up in prison. I could’t stop imagining myself sat in a cell rocking in regret and heartbreak because I accidentally, incompetently brought harm to him in some way.

Don’t get me wrong, It wasn’t all gloom, the first few months were tough but I have actually enjoyed my time as a mum, I wouldn’t class myself as having post Natal and I haven’t been diagnosed with it, in fact by 3 months I’d say me and Ted were okay, I had a couple of months of feeling on top of the world, like I had it in the bag, like I sort of knew what I was doing, or I knew how to change a nappy anyway. I wasn’t enjoying every day by any stretch but I’d given up breastfeeding, (you can read about that here.) Ted was sleeping through, he was the happy smiley little boy he still is today, I was managing work and mum life, packing orders up, selling lots of prints (yay!) and coping quite well. I felt like I could actually do this, it wasn’t so bad, that was until we reached April 2021. After months of lockdown and living in our lovely little bubble everything went down hill. I don’t think it was anything specific, just the thoughts I’d been squashing since the birth by keeping extremely busy finally bubbled up. When lockdown ended my online sales dropped dramatically, I was so worried about why people all of a sudden didn’t like my work so my ego took a bit of a beating there, even though logically I know people were just spending in shops instead. The end of lockdown also popped my childcare bubble, my Mum and Sister who’d thus far looked after Ted so I could paint and pack orders went back to work 7 days a week to catch up on lost time. The farm was also 2 members of staff down so Nick was never at home, lambing and calving season started so he was more stressed and overworked than I felt I was. Just as everyone else’s world opened up and became bigger I felt more locked down, more trapped and more isolated than I ever had before. I had this amazing baby boy, he slept 12 hours a night and didn’t cry much at all and I was utterly depressed, I felt so tired all the time, I’d wake up after 10 hours of sleep and still want to go back to bed. I felt like I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t survive the day. I would just sit, cuddle Ted and just cry and cry and cry, and this happened every day nearly. Looking back now I can see I just needed some help but at the time I felt like the worst mum in the world, I knew lots of parents who’s children didn’t sleep through and were coping relatively well and here I was with 12 hours a night and feeling utterly miserable. Thankfully Nick made me ring the doctors and we nipped it in the bud pretty quickly, she was very kind and told me I sounded extremely anxious and said she’d give me some tablets to calm me down, luckily they work for me, I know a lot of people have a different story.

It All Boils Down to a Day

I think most parents will agree with me on this. From the day Ted arrived I lost all concept of extended time as I once knew it and that everything simmered and reduced down to a just a single day. The day suddenly becomes your whole world. Some are good, some are bad, some are great and some are desperately low. At least now as I’m writing this I get a nice even mix of these days, thanks to some little white powdered circles of calm my lovely GP gives me. I feel like I’m finally learning that this is the reality of parenthood and actually It’s good because you can always just write the day off and try again tomorrow. Let me give you some context here, I would consider a day to be “a good day” when Ted laughs a lot, when he doesn’t howl the house down for no apparent reason, his routine is all going smoothly and I’ve not felt like curling into a ball and either sleeping or crying. I love good days! Now it’s time to explain “the bad days” and to help you get the gist I have a little anecdote for you…

Just last week we had an unfortunate situation in Morrison’s supermarket. Ted knowing I had forgotten to bring a spare change of clothes thought whilst sat in the trolley it would be funny to do the worlds biggest poo you’ve ever seen. Unfortunately for me I’d dressed him In shorts that day, not the excrement catching cuffed bottom joggers I’ve grown to love. So yes, a Chicken Korma like substance did travel down his bare legs and all over the shopping trolley. The way I saw it I had three options… 1. Change him then and there and walk out with him in just a nappy. 2. Pretend I haven’t seen it, carry on shopping and deal with the problem at the car. 3. Sit down in the middle of the tinned food isle and cry. I can proudly tell you I opted for number 2 because I’m a TOP MUM and obviously have zero scruples but at least I didn’t choose number 3 which since April has been my coping method of choice.

That’s what I would consider a bad day and I’ve accepted that this is just what parenting young children is all about, some days are full of laughs, some days are full of poo. I’m sure if we have any more children there will be twice as much of both and triple the stress. but at least now I’ve learnt not to expect anything and as long as by the end of the day Ted has been fed and watered then I’m considering myself winning at this child raising melarchy.

I hope I haven’t caused any offence or upset in writing down how I truly felt during this period of my life, I understand I am so lucky to have what I have and I want to acknowledge how brave and how much more difficult this year must have been for the women who have suffered any kind of baby loss, and also for women who have suffered miscarriages and fertility issues. I send each and everyone of you all the love and strength I have. May we keep being honest as women and may we keep talking about uncomfortable subjects. I also want to acknowledge that I know my struggles compared to what some Mother’s suffer are a walk in the park, I know women manage to figure all of this out in a much less supported environment than I have and I think they’re absolute hero’s! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I’m so relieved I am now in a place where I actually feel worthy of my absolutely amazing little man. The best thing I did is get help, my low period was fairly short because Nick made me phone the doctors.

Just Some Things That Kept Me Sane…

I love a good podcast and binge listening to The Happy Mum, Happy Baby Podcast has really helped me see that what I felt was completely normal… Going to bed early and reading books also keeps me sane, I’ve just started Alex Jones - Winging It and I’m really enjoying it so far! On those days when I just don’t know how to handle the boredom of entertaining a baby for another 6 hours I love to resort to Baby Play for Every Day: 365 Activities for the First Year, this handy book is great for lots of play ideas. I also really missed going on long walks so as soon as Ted could sit in one we got the Little Life Baby Carrier which means I can now head down those narrow tracks with a 24lb baby strapped to my back instead of my gut. (There are both more expensive and cheaper options out there but it depends on what you’re looking for, my Dad has just found a bargain Osprey one on facebook marketplace for me which is heavier but better for long hikes and days out.) And for those days you run out of kitchen roll at least you can make a DIY Baby Rain Stick from the empty cardboard roll.

With love

Brooke Marie